Twice in a month..

Well, that's a start, I guess. Normally after an initial entry I have already convinced myself it will be the first in a series of daily entries. However, I rarely make it past the first day, and then it's...perfection...is lost in my eyes, removing every sense of ambition and urgency to follow out my plan. I think this is a pattern for me with many things.. If an imperfect element is introduced, everything around it collapses. I used to think.. it would have been great to have a picture of myself every day since I was born, to see how I have changed over time.. to look at a sort of flip book someday, and marvel about it. But since that didn't happen, I become discouraged to start with it. That's just an example.. I can think of many. Running everyday starting January 1st. Oh shit- it is January 2nd, and I didn't run yesterday... well what's the point now? My perfect month has already been eliminated. This same problem with imperfection created a problem for me when I kept trying to quit smoking weed. What's it all about anyway. Does perfection matter that much anyway? I guess it always has to me, even though I clearly realize that achieving it is an impossibility. There is just something about a closed circle that makes me feel complete. A week of doing something for all seven days that allows me to take a deep breath after the last one. Yet.. it is an easy setup for failure.

I want to travel this year.. a lot. So I shall. And therefore I need money. Concordantly, I need to go to sleep so that I can wake up early and create the Matrix.

End of line.

I'm starting over.

So... 

Here we are. It's the first day of the year. And it's cold. Like fucking-A cold, whatever that means. Below zero with the wind chills. I've missed out on three winters in a row due to my nomadic travels to desert or tropical climates. I suppose I feel here how someone from here might feel in the arctic. Not to mention, the half-built house I'm living barely has heat. I have a space heater but the fucking thing is pointless. Jee, thanks for warming up the ceiling- the 2 degree shift is really making a difference...

Alright, whatever- I'm going to be more positive this year. Last year was hands down the worst year of my life. Maybe I can succeed it with one of my best years. It wasn't entirely miserable- there were some great experiences. But the lows were ultimate. My sister says writing everyday will help me with that. I look to her for much of my medical inquisitions, which sometimes transcends my emotional condition. I just brought her to an airplane to fly 1500 miles away. Already, the place feels emptier without her here. She's my best friend.

Our dad is in trouble. He's in the hospital in critical condition. He was in a crash with a 68 year old oriental man while driving one of his prized motorcycles. We don't know all the details yet about how it happened. My upcoming days will involve a lot of investigatory work. There is a lot to be answered. They say it could take "many many weeks" before we see any improvement. My father once told me, "If you walk five miles into the woods, you still need to walk five more miles to get out of the woods." I hope he finds his way out.

Tomorrow I will bring him some more cd's because I'm sure the ones he is listening to are driving him crazy by now. 

I got a new phone today to replace the one I lost in the blizzard a couple weeks ago. The lady from India who helped me activate it got me a really easy to remember number after much persuasion and a couple impossible to remember numbers. I'm actually excited about it and plan to keep this one a little longer than pieces of shit I have had in the past.

I did something today that I don't think I have ever done in my life! I freaking walked out of a restaurant without paying one penny of the bill. My sister and I stopped for a bite to eat because we were running early to the airport. It was a pizza joint- we ate the pizza, drank a couple fountain cokes, and walked right out. The weird thing was that I didn't even mean to do this. Despite my financial difficulties of late, I would still never pull a hit and run like that. I didn't even realize I did it until I was almost an hour down the road. Oops.

Well I gotta quit staying up till 4:00 a.m. on a regular basis so I'm going to call it a night. 

Over and out.