Late-night thought. Late-n-thought. Lought.

iiigloriousiii: (2:40:45 AM) oh you are up

iiigloriousiii: (2:40:58 AM) i am barely

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:21 AM) im goin to sleep

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:25 AM) my eyes fricking hurt

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:35 AM) they want to shut

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:43 AM) although my body is not tired

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:49 AM) my eyes are like.. jooooohn

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:54 AM) seriouly man?

iiigloriousiii: (2:42:57 AM) come on

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:00 AM) go to sleep

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:09 AM) but the rest of me is like shut up 

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:23 AM) and then i look in the mirror and see totally bloodshot eyes and think

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:25 AM) fuuck

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:27 AM) i have to

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:31 AM) and the stupid clock

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:38 AM) i hate clocks

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:48 AM) stupid clocks and their.. time

iiigloriousiii: (2:43:54 AM) their time telling

iiigloriousiii: (2:44:02 AM) they need to just shut the fuck up

iiigloriousiii: (2:44:07 AM) every body burn your clock

iiigloriousiii: (2:44:25 AM) it should be timeless

iiigloriousiii: (2:44:33 AM) a timeless world

iiigloriousiii: (2:44:58 AM) why the necessity to rest

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:01 AM) or to eat

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:07 AM) or to drink

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:12 AM) or anything

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:15 AM) just why

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:18 AM) why why why

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:22 AM) i dont get it

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:35 AM) please someone explain this universe

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:43 AM) and it's natural "laws"

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:51 AM) the real mind fuck is

iiigloriousiii: (2:45:58 AM) is it all in my head

iiigloriousiii: (2:46:27 AM) every single one of you and every event that happens in my "life" could be a mere figment of my imagination in a higher level of "living'

iiigloriousiii: (2:46:35 AM) doesnt make any sense

iiigloriousiii: (2:46:39 AM) no matter what you say back

iiigloriousiii: (2:46:42 AM) wouldnt matter

iiigloriousiii: (2:46:55 AM) no matter who i meet

iiigloriousiii: (2:46:59 AM) or what they say

iiigloriousiii: (2:47:07 AM) thats the ultimate mind-fuck

iiigloriousiii: (2:47:27 AM) there is no one who can prove that theory wrong

iiigloriousiii: (2:47:39 AM) so carry on

iiigloriousiii: (2:47:51 AM) carry on we must because we are left without answers

iiigloriousiii: (2:47:57 AM) fine

iiigloriousiii: (2:47:59 AM) i will

iiigloriousiii: (2:48:10 AM) but come on

iiigloriousiii: (2:48:21 AM) it better be like a christmas present

iiigloriousiii: (2:48:28 AM) cnt see it

iiigloriousiii: (2:48:33 AM) cuz then it wouldnt be a surprise

iiigloriousiii: (2:48:50 AM) if its not.. 

iiigloriousiii: (2:49:07 AM) there will be absolutely nothing i can do or even feel about it

iiigloriousiii: (2:49:15 AM) an ultimate tragedy

iiigloriousiii: (2:49:37 AM) dont dissapoint me whatever this is

iiigloriousiii: (2:49:41 AM) just dont do it

iiigloriousiii: (2:50:10 AM) the "living me, in this 'world' now, says so

iiigloriousiii: (2:50:31 AM) but lets move on

iiigloriousiii: (2:50:36 AM) no problem

iiigloriousiii: (2:50:52 AM) cant complain about the unknown

iiigloriousiii: (2:50:56 AM) so why do i all the time

iiigloriousiii: (2:50:59 AM) i dont know

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:03 AM) but i need to stop

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:05 AM) yes i do

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:18 AM) but now im just complaining about complaining

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:32 AM) yay life is grand!

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:48 AM) its circular

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:52 AM) its a circle

iiigloriousiii: (2:51:59 AM) circular

iiigloriousiii: (2:52:01 AM) everything

iiigloriousiii: (2:53:13 AM) zorgas borgas i jst got bit byt he love bat.... and its driving me maddddd

iiigloriousiii: (2:54:01 AM) fast car

iiigloriousiii: (2:54:06 AM) on the highway

iiigloriousiii: (2:54:09 AM) on the byway

iiigloriousiii: (2:54:14 AM) mister robotron

iiigloriousiii: (2:54:37 AM) obama needs a cereal

iiigloriousiii: (2:55:09 AM) he should declare official white month in january

iiigloriousiii: (2:55:19 AM) i wonder how many ppl would find that racist

iiigloriousiii: (2:55:23 AM) does it matter

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:09 AM) is it liek we talk much about what the caesar said in his first term?

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:16 AM) not really

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:25 AM) no one down the road will care much

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:33 AM) will they be affected somehow 

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:34 AM) yes

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:36 AM) perhap

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:40 AM) UNLESS

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:43 AM) of course

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:51 AM) this is all indeed imaginary

iiigloriousiii: (2:56:57 AM) well

iiigloriousiii: (2:57:01 AM) i woudlnt say imaginary

iiigloriousiii: (2:57:13 AM) hmm thats a tough one

iiigloriousiii: (2:58:09 AM) argh

iiigloriousiii: (2:58:11 AM) sleep 

iiigloriousiii: (2:58:13 AM) mein eyes

iiigloriousiii: (2:58:18 AM) goodnight!

iiigloriousiii: (2:58:22 AM) talk to myself tomorrow!

Twice in a month..

Well, that's a start, I guess. Normally after an initial entry I have already convinced myself it will be the first in a series of daily entries. However, I rarely make it past the first day, and then it's...perfection...is lost in my eyes, removing every sense of ambition and urgency to follow out my plan. I think this is a pattern for me with many things.. If an imperfect element is introduced, everything around it collapses. I used to think.. it would have been great to have a picture of myself every day since I was born, to see how I have changed over time.. to look at a sort of flip book someday, and marvel about it. But since that didn't happen, I become discouraged to start with it. That's just an example.. I can think of many. Running everyday starting January 1st. Oh shit- it is January 2nd, and I didn't run yesterday... well what's the point now? My perfect month has already been eliminated. This same problem with imperfection created a problem for me when I kept trying to quit smoking weed. What's it all about anyway. Does perfection matter that much anyway? I guess it always has to me, even though I clearly realize that achieving it is an impossibility. There is just something about a closed circle that makes me feel complete. A week of doing something for all seven days that allows me to take a deep breath after the last one. Yet.. it is an easy setup for failure.

I want to travel this year.. a lot. So I shall. And therefore I need money. Concordantly, I need to go to sleep so that I can wake up early and create the Matrix.

End of line.

I'm starting over.

So... 

Here we are. It's the first day of the year. And it's cold. Like fucking-A cold, whatever that means. Below zero with the wind chills. I've missed out on three winters in a row due to my nomadic travels to desert or tropical climates. I suppose I feel here how someone from here might feel in the arctic. Not to mention, the half-built house I'm living barely has heat. I have a space heater but the fucking thing is pointless. Jee, thanks for warming up the ceiling- the 2 degree shift is really making a difference...

Alright, whatever- I'm going to be more positive this year. Last year was hands down the worst year of my life. Maybe I can succeed it with one of my best years. It wasn't entirely miserable- there were some great experiences. But the lows were ultimate. My sister says writing everyday will help me with that. I look to her for much of my medical inquisitions, which sometimes transcends my emotional condition. I just brought her to an airplane to fly 1500 miles away. Already, the place feels emptier without her here. She's my best friend.

Our dad is in trouble. He's in the hospital in critical condition. He was in a crash with a 68 year old oriental man while driving one of his prized motorcycles. We don't know all the details yet about how it happened. My upcoming days will involve a lot of investigatory work. There is a lot to be answered. They say it could take "many many weeks" before we see any improvement. My father once told me, "If you walk five miles into the woods, you still need to walk five more miles to get out of the woods." I hope he finds his way out.

Tomorrow I will bring him some more cd's because I'm sure the ones he is listening to are driving him crazy by now. 

I got a new phone today to replace the one I lost in the blizzard a couple weeks ago. The lady from India who helped me activate it got me a really easy to remember number after much persuasion and a couple impossible to remember numbers. I'm actually excited about it and plan to keep this one a little longer than pieces of shit I have had in the past.

I did something today that I don't think I have ever done in my life! I freaking walked out of a restaurant without paying one penny of the bill. My sister and I stopped for a bite to eat because we were running early to the airport. It was a pizza joint- we ate the pizza, drank a couple fountain cokes, and walked right out. The weird thing was that I didn't even mean to do this. Despite my financial difficulties of late, I would still never pull a hit and run like that. I didn't even realize I did it until I was almost an hour down the road. Oops.

Well I gotta quit staying up till 4:00 a.m. on a regular basis so I'm going to call it a night. 

Over and out.